Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A Loving Letter to My Ex

Dear Ex-Husband,

I've noticed something at football practices recently. When you take our amazing son to practice, he's withdrawn from me. He barely walks up to say hi and I have to ask him for a hug. Come to think of it, he's sort of short with me. And not just at practice but on the phone too. I ask him how his day is and he hurriedly says "fine" then tells me "well, I have to go mom. Love you."

It kills me. It's like a knife through my heart and the only thing that keeps me from crying or asking him about it is my desire to never ever make him feel in the middle. I think this is what you wanted to hear....that I'm hurting. That my heart is breaking. That I'm unhappy.

Unfortunately what I don't think you've realized yet is that so are our sons

It's hard not to compare the differences. When I take him to practice, he runs over to say hi to you. And at every break, he goes to say hi before he comes to get water from me. And when we leave after practice, he always asks me if he can walk to the parking lot with you and of course, I let him. He calls you almost every night he's with me and talks for 10 or 15 minutes, unless we're in the middle of something and even then, he's allowed to call back.

And that actually makes me happy. You see, I believe that both our sons should have an amazing, strong bond and relationship with both of us. Sometimes, you have NO idea how bad I want to answer "No" when he asks to walk out with you. Or how often I've wanted to ask him why he barely talks to me after practice. I can't bring myself to do it.

You see, I'm pretty sure inside you are giddy. I can see a lightness in your step when you watch him all but ignore me at practice. But something dawned on me last night as I thought this through....I don't think you've realized:

our son's detachment is a result of his relationship with you, not with me. 

Strong words right? I believe the reason he talks to you, runs to you, and walks with you even when I'm there is because he knows wholeheartedly that it's okay with me.

Can you say the same? Perhaps you believe you foster a strong relationship but I watch you stand or sit as far as possible from where I am. Staring forward with an icy glare, careful to never ever look my way. He knows you refuse to communicate with me except in a text on very rare occasions. He has picked up on your "vibe" and it shows. Everyone in a three mile radius can feel the tension, we could cut it with a knife.

You love our sons. I have no doubt about it.

I also know that you want what's best for them. No doubt about it.

But I don't think you've thought your actions through.

I worry that your anger and bitterness are turning you into someone you're not.

I wish you joy, happiness, success. . . and healing.

I imagine a day when our son feels comfortable and at peace enough to run back and forth between us at a football game. Or at a school function. Or his graduation. Or years from now, his wedding. The birth of his first child or the second child.

Let's face it....

Our sons are the only thing we did right.

Let's do right by them.


No comments:

Post a Comment