Monday, March 10, 2014

Retreat and Focus

I'm a dyed in the wool people pleaser.  I will work my behind off to make everyone around me happy and then I'll crash, retreat, recuperate, and refocus. It's my modus operandi.

I'm working hard to change it. I want to make people happy...I've come to understand that it might be one of my gifts. It might be my purpose. It brings me joy.

But I need to learn when to draw the line. Need to identify when enough is enough. And I need to learn when it's okay to have a voice rather than keeping my mouth shut. I need to rid myself of the guilt that comes from making a decision for me.

To my friends, you've probably noticed a retreat for a time being. It's only temporary while I focus and evaluate. If you've known me very long, you'll know this too shall pass.

It's a cycle:

I think I'm superwoman. I believe I'm the woman that can make myself happy and make all of you happy at the same time. I think I have superhero abilities that will allow me to juggle it all and prove it can be done. I work at it, plug away at it, and succeed. . . for a while.

I thrive under the pressure of everyone expecting something from me. Work, school, kids, friends, family, loved ones. . .

And pretty soon there's a conflict. Too many people, too many things, and it's too much. I feel overwhelmed so I try harder.

And then I "fail" at something. Maybe I forget the kiddo has a science expirement due and we do it at the last minute and I don't think it's worthy. Or I forget a birthday. A deadline at work. Or I stay up late doing homework because I didn't plan accordingly.

And pretty soon, I'm lost inside my head, trying to figure out how to make it all work. I start getting irritated and I know it's not your's I keep my mouth shut because I'm not ready to make decisions yet or say how I feel.

I'm waiting until my mind has worked through all the emotions before I speak. If I speak now, I might yell and ask what's in it for me? I might make you mad. I might say no to something that's important to me. I'm working through it all and evaluating . . . evaluating. . . evaluating.

And then I start communicating. I start sharing. I focus on the things important to me. I'll give those things my attention, my energy, my heart and soul....

Unfortunately for some of you, it might be frustrating. It's just me.

Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed and trying to get a handle on everything so I can go back to feeling like me.

Between trying to complete school (it's important to me for so many many reasons);
keep my oldest son out of trouble and on track to graduate (he's such a good kid but so much like me),
spend quality time with my youngest son and give him the attention he needs,
watch my oldest son to make sure he's okay with the emergence of bio-dad,
make major changes at work and make them successful,
deal with some crazy emotions myself from the emergency of the ex,
stay on track with my diet,
focus on some health things,
deal with my crazy emotions over my son turning 18,
fix my finances,
make a difference,
be a friend,
be a lover,
be me,
stay sane,
conquer the world (okay, just kidding). . .

I'm overwhelmed.

Ok, back to work. . .

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