Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Where has time gone?

I laid in bed last night unable to sleep. The room was hot and stuffy. My side of the bed seemed too hard, too soft, too lumpy. My pillow wasn’t right. I tossed and turned. I read my book. I listened to noises and wondered where they were coming from. None of the kids were home and my house was loud with silence, save for the sound of Rob’s sleep next to me. My comfort was cuddling up  next to Rob but I was too afraid to cuddle next to him, afraid I’d wake him with my restlessness. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t put my finger on just what was wrong.

I woke up to a melancholy morning. I wasn’t sad necessarily. And I wasn’t angry or upset. I just felt sort of “off.” I went through my morning wishing the day was over.

On my way to work, a friend texted me. She texted “Happy First Day of School. I blabbered like an idiot as I pulled away from the high school. Getting a coffee to console myself. LOL

And I cried.

This is the first time in 10 years, I haven’t dropped Marc off at school. It’s the first time in 3 years that I haven’t walked Nate to his classroom. It’s the first morning in 10 years I haven’t cooked first day of school pancakes. No one came running into my bedroom needing help with their new shoes. The boys didn’t have to listen to me as I ticked off a mental checklist of things we shouldn’t forget . . .lunch money (check), school supplies (check) and so on and so forth.  I don’t have cheesy pictures of the boys in brand new clothes, carrying brand new backpacks on their first days in front of the house. My boys didn’t open their lunchboxes at school today to find little notes from me.

And I realize time is going by faster than I want to admit.

Marc’s a freshman and that seems so close and yet so far away from 18 that I can’t bear to think it. He doesn’t want dumb little notes in his lunchbox from mom. He probably is glad not to have mom drop him off at the high school. On a happy note, he’s texted me at lunch time to tell me “High School is AWESOME mom! Love you!” Aww, tears well up in my eyes. I love that kid. 

This morning is an odd mix of sadness because he’s not my little boy anymore and happiness because I’m so blissfully proud of him. Marc’s never liked school, not even in kindergarten. He loves the social aspect. The part where he gets to visit with kids and be around people. He excels at PE. He struggles with everything else. Not because he isn’t smart or because he doesn’t get it, it just doesn’t seem important to him. If it has a practical application in the real world, he picks it up quick. Start talking theories and such, and he tunes out.

Nate is starting second grade and he LOVES school. When the teacher assigns a week worth of school work on Monday to turn in on Friday, I can guarantee that Nate turns it in Tuesday morning. As a matter of fact, he got an award for that last year. He asks if he can go to bed and read a little while. He is in a split class this year – meaning half the class is first graders and the other half is second graders. I have some concerns but he’s so intelligent. I’m hoping he stays challenged. I think being able to help the younger kids will help him too. Of course, typical of most moms, I worry whether or not I’ve made the right decisions.

One thing about being married for years to a firefighter – I’ve learned to be flexible. Just like Christmas is sometimes the day before and Thanksgiving is sometimes on Friday, my first day of school celebration will be tomorrow. I’ll make pancakes and bacon and listen to my kids look for the right outfit, rushing me out the door to their 2nd day of high school and 2nd grade. I’ll get my pictures and 15 years from now, we won’t care that the pictures were taken on the 2nd day instead of the first.

I don’t regret divorce one little bit but I will admit that having my kids half the time kills me. I’m not half a parent. My worries, concerns, and thoughts aren’t cut in half. I’m still a full time mom to my two amazing sons. Still a full-time mom but a happier woman.

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