Friday, October 25, 2013

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

As a fat girl, I was willing to accept less than what I deserve.

Less happiness, less love, less success. 

When I started this weight loss journey, I knew my waist size would change, I didn't realize how much my life would change with it. 

I remember when I learned I was fat. I was 11 or 12 at Girl Scout Camp. I had long blonde hair, great grades, the best of friends, a huge crush on Josh (dreamy dimples), and hadn't given much thought to the way I look. The first night at Girl Scout camp, we had to choose our own nicknames. I couldn't decide....I still to this day have a hard time describing myself. I wanted the right nickname, the perfect one. I wanted it to be one I'd be happy to wear on our little necklaces around our neck. We all sat around helping eachother. My mom and the leaders helped - they suggested heart breaker, cutie pie, etc for my sis. When it turned to me, they suggested Chubby, Chubby Buns, and later I remember a joke about Fatty Fatty Two by Four, Can't Fit Through the Kitchen Door. I love my mom - she was being funny and trying to help in her own way. After that, she used to tell me to "suck in my gut." I realized I was bigger than the other girls my age. 

Fast forward a few years and my parents were divorcing. By now, I was interested in boys for real and "knew" I was too fat for most of them. We'd meet my mom's friends and they'd say "Oh Tara, we've heard so much about you. You're beautiful. You'll be a heart breaker for sure!" Nothing about me. I knew it was because I was overweight, listened to obnoxious loud music (everyone else listened to country), and you wouldn't catch me on the back of a horse for anything (you guessed it, I grew up in cowboy-ville). 

Of course, now I'm older so I know that's a very adolescent look at things. 

But as an adult, I've struggled with my image and things I've convinced myself are truths:
  • I'm shy.
  • I've got big bones and so will never be really small.
  • I'm not athletic.
  • I'm physically challenged (won't run, not really into 'exercise')
Of course, there are also the things I don't say but I show through my actions:

Primarily, I'm not worthy of a good relationship. I'll take what I can get. I "learned" a long time ago that men always leave because of the way you look. That's all changing now. 

But I'm smarter, older, wiser, and of course slimmer and things are changing - rapidly. 

My waist size is getting smaller while my outlook is getting bigger, brighter. 

Here are a few things I'm learning:
  • I like me. Seriously, some people can annoy me but I'm the one person I can count on. I'm funny and I have some good conversations in my head when I'm alone! 
  • I'd rather be alone than unhappy. 
  • It's time for someone to work hard to be in my life
  • I'm not really all that shy. I'm an introvert and like my time alone but I'm not exactly shy. 
  • I want adventure. Not bungee jumping, skydiving (although that may turn up on next year's list hee hee) - but travel, experiences. 
  • I am capable of managing my finances (this is huge, I'm usually a wreck when it comes to money matters). 
  • I'm not challenged physically - I've just never tried! 
  • I still have a lot of life left! Honestly, I've spent a few years wondering what's left and wondering if I've wasted my best years!
  • I've let fear dominate too much! I'm worried I won't succeed so why try? I don't try if I don't think I'll be at the top. 
Of course it helps that I now have the energy and confidence to try things! 

It's for these reasons that I'm really enjoying being a health coach. It's so fun to watch people post photos and talk about fitting into smaller clothes but then I start hearing stories like mine, or people coming off medications, or leaving bad situations. It's amazing how a small change can make a big difference! 

I'm sure I'll learn more as I go along. I have 60 more pounds to lose so I'm sure there will be more and more that I discover about myself. 

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